http://lesleycarter.wordpress.com/2011/12/08/peg-perego-sdraietta-melodia-the-rolls-royce-of-baby-bouncers/

or A Homage to Victim Advocates Everywhere:

Genny White

Twice in my life I have been supposedly advised by well-meaning individuals to stay away from “certain” elements of society. What are these associations you might ask, groups of self-aggrandizing bigots? No, you may be surprised to learn that to some members of the general public  organizations that reach out to the victimized and advocate for their empowerment are shall we say “Dissed.”

The first such verbal dissuading occurred in the classroom of midwives in the North West.  In this scholarly classroom of peers, and the best of the best in midwifery education, the sound bite was dropped: “you want to stay away from the zealous group of the likes of ICAN.” (International Cesarean Awareness Network)  What did my ears hear: “stay away from the likes of the zealots of ICAN.” I was so shocked and dazed it took me a few moments to grasp what my cohorts were saying.

“Oh really,” I responded, ” if it were not for the women of ICAN, I would not be here today. The room became silent as if I had stood up and my skirt fell off, revealing my skivvies. “Yes, I am here today because ICAN showed me the way to overcome the trauma and emotional hurdles of facing a VBAC pregnancy.”

My love of midwifery and of woman care was born from my sisters there in ICAN. They held my hand, counseled me, understood and educated and empowered me. They supported my research into nationwide polices for VBAC in freestanding Birth Centers. Thank you ICAN of MA! You see I would not have ever seen a VBAC without the direction of these supportive women and I certainly would not be here in this classroom without the influence of these women. I am proud to be in association with the ICAN women. I have never encountered an ICAN group characterized by irrationalism or fanaticism. Not once have I stumbled into a group clad in combat boots. ICAN is the place to go to find support for cesarean recovery and for VBAC. It is also the place for midwives to be born! Maybe the concept of VBAC is what is brazen in this greed ridden and medically litigious culture that we exist in and try to bear our children in.
Years later in the weeks and the wake of having my daughter taken from me, my family and all that loved her — by the heinous selfish acts of a drunk driver.  After this event, and the burial, as I was walking a visitor named Ed to the door, who was a family acquaintance , he glanced down at me.  As I looked at his Nordic chiseled face and his staid eyes gazing in the direction of the MADD, (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) bumper sticker on the back of my car, he spoke and said “Genny, I know you have been through a lot, and the temptation may be very strong to join in the activities of MADD, but I really would counsel you that associating with such angry women is really not in the long run in your best interest. Try and avoid becoming ensnared in their group.”

“Yeah, umm thanks, Ed” I said to cover the awkward point of this confrontation.  I was thinking to myself, “Stay away from MADD what are these women doing? Are they standing on street corners burning their bras screaming in frenzy against the ills of drunken drivers?”  As Ed drove off I continued wondering, ” Well Thank you Ed, but you don’t know my MADD advocate, Sharry Graham, who was one of the first individuals to contact me on the heels of the loss of my daughter.  She was there with a listening ear and the information and knowledge about how to scale the grief journey which my family had just started. She also held the torch enlightening the path of the legal justice system that we walked through together. She sat right there beside me in prelims, and in hearings and in trials. Sharry stood with me as we heard about each and every drunken maneuver the defendant made in the surrounding hours of the catastrophic crash that ended our daughter’s life. Sharry is always only one phone call away despite the fact that she cares for a severely disabled son rendered in this condition by another drunken driver. Thank you Sharry Graham and MADD of Orange County CA! “So Ed, if you don’t mind since MADD provides this comprehensive assistance to victims’ families that, others simply cannot provide. You will find me with MADD as long as the day is long.”
What is wrong with the world when an organization that seeks to comfort those who have experienced traumatic birth experiences and provide them with education and empowerment should they seek it out to set them on the course to be successful in giving birth vaginaly is characterized as zealots. Furthermore where has civilization gone so wide of the mark by ascribing an organization that is against the behavior of drunk driving as a bunch of misguided, estrogen-fueled, and unbalanced angry women? I think the commentaries of my class mates, my cohorts about ICAN and the verdict of Ed regarding the activities of MADD is more an indictment of society rather than on the parties besmirched by these censors. Both MADD and ICAN seek to empower individuals, some might say Victims. ICAN and MADD both serve to educate the population on behaviors that have adverse effects on the health and wellbeing of our citizens. And what is wrong with that? I will tell you it causes us to engage with the realities of life that we are not prepared or equipped to deal with as a shallow and image based polite society. What the critics are saying is “Don’t impose upon my experience in life your loss and your trauma, grief and pain.” Don’t shine a light on that blemish, we would really rather not see it. Their stance may be relevant until they are needlessly traumatized, or they receive that knock on the door by a highway patrolman informing them that their loved one is now dead due to the actions of an intoxicated driver. Then they themselves may find themselves in the ranks of Mothers against Drunk Driving, or surfing the internet to find a contact for ICAN in their area. MADD is not only there for Mothers; one of the first people I spoke with through the MADD organization was a father who had lost all of his children in one singular crash caused by a drunk driver: realizing that I had only lost one of my children, and this man had lost all of his children. I said, “Thank you and good night.”

People may shoo us away and tell us to be quiet when we are at a loss, or in so much pain, but I say NO I am MADD and ICAN do something about it. If my being proactive makes you confront the ills of humanity that you would rather wish didn’t exist, too bad. It is by confronting the ills of social order and making change that we make this world a more beautiful place. When we simply sweep misfortunes under the carpet and not acknowledge them or deal with them. We cause a rot in our floors and it stinks. I encourage us all to be responsible in our areas of loss and to be proactive. We don’t need to settle. If we are mad we can do something about it. Taking conscientious actions and doing something about our grief, assisted by those who have been there before us makes this world better for all of us!

What greater high is there  than that of a women who has just birthed her child naturally.  The chemicals, hormones have to be wild.  I mean we guys can’t really compare anything to what it is like for a woman to birth a child.  We can run mathatons, but not survive 36 hours of labor.

It does seem like a plausible metaphoric analogy of the experience, but what do you women think?  Explain it to use guys in the comments here.  Have you done the 26 miles and have you had a natural childbirth?  Tell us of the similarities and the differences.  Men want to know.

Those who I have known to run these long distances never talk about the event like they enjoyed it.  But they didn’t end up with a child at the end.  No they usually just crash at the end, and a day later their out running a 5 k or something.  They love the runner’s high and are addicted to it.

So do women get addicted to bearing children?  Is it that the bigger the triumph is, the more natural the birth, and the more they want more?

What kind of woman were you?

Men who are becoming fathers have a huge influence on their mate’s psychological demeanor and disposition.  The stress of starting a family can make a big impact on everyone involved.  Men need to take seriously the repercussions of presenting negative or bad attitudes regarding their pregnant mate and all the changes that come with preparing for transitioning to a family.  A recent study showed that the amount of support a woman receives from their partner impacts her mental health, which can adversely affect her pregnancy and the postpartum recovery.

Statistically only 10 percent of women in the U.S. suffer postnatal depression each year, but that adds up to be nearly half a million women.  This is no little problem.  Men who usually don’t think they have much of an impact on pregnancy, childbirth and the health of the mother and child, but they do, and the mother’s health will subsequently effect even them.  Yes, the study goes to show that a man’s behavior will affect the developing family in very real and palpable ways.

The bigger problem I see is getting the men to pay attention to this issue at all.  Callous, cruel and angry men, as well as drug abusers, alcoholics and violent men are going to be having children as well affectionate and caring men.  Men who care will show it by the actions and the words they use.  But just as in any form of abuse, men are most frequently protected by the women being abused due to the fragile economic support women have, and this is magnified by the vulnerability of the condition of pregnancy.

So how do we get men interested in changing their behavior, so that women will be more protected, cared for and loved, basically,  how do you change a man’s ways and get him to settle down.  First of all, it is an issue of will.  But, it is also an issue of education or knowledge.  Men need to step forward and man it up.  They need to take responsibility for the conception, the pregnancy and their becoming fathers, but that isn’t enough; they need to know how to act, and to choose what is right over what is wrong.

Stressed out and mad

First, guys face a lot of stress, and they are going to need help to manage that stress.  Starting a family is probably the first time in years that men have to develop any sort of dependence on others in the community. Having emotional support isn’t going to be something most men even consider, but they are living in la la land.  Fatherhood is one of the biggest changes and greatest stressors a man will go through.

Some of the stressors involved would include disruption in the family income.  Often women who work go on maternity leave, and then don’t go back to the job for a while or at all.  Men are often left with no paternity leave, so they have to consider taking vacation time to go to the birth and to have time for the family to settle in.  Another stressor that frequently pops up is that the couple takes on a larger, more expensive residence.  The mortgage or rent is higher, and the move itself is a major life stressor.

Add to that the intrusion of in-laws or other people who begin showing up in the pregnant couple’s life.  Especially dangerous are manipulative, bossy and controlling mother-in-laws.  Men often feel out-staged shown up and even disrespected when another party begins barking off orders or advice, no matter how sweetly they are offered.  It works both ways, so the guy’s mother might also impose her will too.

As mentioned before, when the sleep cycle is disrupted, some men are like me, unlikable at best.  Sleep is important for men as well as women.  Men need to do what it takes to sleep a full night, so they can have optimal energy to support a pregnancy, childbirth and the beginning of a family.  Add to that the lack of sex, and you might see men frustrated and even angry.  Pregnancy for first time fathers is a new experience, and can seem overwhelming in so many ways. Those who have a less flexible temperament can find this time period in their lives a bit of a challenge.

A well-known expression suggests that the three most import areas of life are love, hope and faith.  Employ these concepts to overcome the common stressors about how your family is going to afford to live and to function and adapt: those issues should be secondary to the relationship the couple has.  A weak relationship needs to be strengthened.  Counseling and external support can make all the difference for women.  Especially important is to eliminate a woman’s anxieties and fears.

Men you need to find someone else to discuss your concerns about the adjustments that you are having to make.  The closer you are to someone, the least objective you or they may be, causing relational friction and emotional disturbances.  That’s why I have recommended that you start developing some new relationships with other, more experienced men with children.

Though there is a plethora of female hormones that are concocted during pregnancy and childbirth, even for men, it is these higher values that can keep a relationship level and that will lessen the chance for postpartum blues and depression.  Postnatal depression is a distressing and socially debilitating condition that can affect the development of the baby and adversely affect other family members.  In another study I read, 75 percent of women with postpartum depression had similar symptoms of major depression.

It is in the best interest of men, to work on eliminating as much strife and discord from their relationship with their mates.  If they love and respect themselves, they will turn to others for help in processing and dealing with the stress of their relationship.  Ignoring the significance of the coming child is seriously stupid.  Unfortunately most men seem to think that it is woman’s work and not their issue.  But the pregnancy and childbirth is just as much an event that will impact their lives indefinitely.  Men need to stop burying their heads in the sand.

References for this article:

Boath, E., Pryce, A. & Cox, J. (1998).  Postnatal depression.  The impact on the family.  Journal of Reproductive & Infant Psychology, 16 (2/3), 199. Retrieved from EBSCOhost.

Dennis, C. and Chung-Lee, L.  (2006). Postpartum Depression Help-Seeking Barriers and Maternal Treatment Preferences: A Qualitative Systematic Review.  Birth. 33, 4. Retrieved from Wiley On-line.

Goodman, J.  2004.  Paternal postpartum depression, its relationship to maternal postpartum depression, and implications for family health.  Journal of Advanced Nursing.  45, 1.  Retrieved from Wiley On-line.

Gun-Mette B. Røsand, Kari Slinning, Malin Eberhard-Gran, Espen Røysamb and Kristian Tambs. 2011. Partner relationship satisfaction and maternal emotional distress in early pregnancy.  BMC Public Health (in press)

Phillip White

Most men want to participate in the birth of their children, but for others it can be an intimidating time, and one they really aren’t prepared for.  Sometimes guys attend the birth because they feel pressure to.  In the U.S. only 10 percent don’t attend.  But due to the fact that 11% of men are afraid of birth, and their presence does nothing to enhance the childbirth process, I’d suggest you reconsider adding them in your birth plan.  Ask yourself the following questions:

Does he know what to expect?

Women sometimes ask men to do things they aren’t ready for or things they are poorly equipped to handle.  Birth is one of them.  Does the guy want to be emotionally supportive, not all guys are cut out to attend a childbirth.  This is especially true for guys headed into the Birth Machine environment.  If a guy already has fears and anxieties about being in a hospital, if they are queasy in their stomachs when seeing blood or other bodily discharges, then that’s a bad sign.

Their sensitivities can be behaviorally modified over time, but that requires focus.  I suggest having them watch some birth films, or show them books on birth that have real time birth photos.  But if they have instilled fears, they will once wince and turn even more against the idea of attending the birth.

Does he know what transition is?

Fathers-to-be, who are ignorant at a birth, are not going to know how to support anything.  They won’t know what things mean, and the prospects of their decisions.  You don’t want a guy signing you over to the birth machine.  The instinct in men to protect is not effective if they don’t know enough about what is happening around them.  It’s like giving them a loaded bazooka, and they do not know what the thing does.

We wrote our child birth education book for guys, so that they would have learned context and gained proper knowledge so that they don’t strap their mates up on the interventions conveyer belt.  Maybe part of the reasons for the increase in interventions and c-section has to do with the ignorance of the men and women attending birth, and frankly after talking with most guys before and after childbirth, you will find they are still ignorant.

Try to find a place where men are included in the antenatal education.  Buy them our book.  Make sure they have a place to talk to other men, so that they can share all their anxieties before the birth – not during the birth. (Well most men are just going to keep silent.)  You should know that most guys are not emotionally ready to provide anyone any emotional support, too.  They may learn to provide it, but it drives most guys crazy that their favorite person is going through any sort of anguish or pain, and that makes them near crazy.

I think men should go to the birth, but I also think that if they are ignorant, they really add nothing for their partner.  They are in the way as many midwives, hospital nurses and doctors put it.

Have they talked to any man who has been at a birth before?

Most guys don’t talk about birth in detail, but men need some social support – whether they want to admit it or not.  I discussed that in another blog piece this summer.  Men are not naturally going to share their feelings with anyone, including their brother-in-law, father, best friend, etc.  Men for the most part are poor communicators, and like to be rugged individualists who need no social support at all.  The gun-slinging, macho men still rule, I’m afraid.   Women might think that is attractive, but for the most part, many men seem like slugs.  But if they get the proper education, they will get it, and understand their role.  If not, why not hire a doula, if they do understand there is still a place for a doula on your birth team.

If you have a birth plan that has elements that are not generically provided by the medical world, guys might freak out.  They might not understand hypnobirth, or water birth.  Put them in touch with other fathers who have experienced that type of birth.  Make sure they read about it, and become comfortable with the idea.  Else, you could be dragging the cat with its hair bolt straight into a night of horror.

Are they fearful?

Facing the unknown in life can be the most challenging part.  When women and men face birth, they may have fear that seems overwhelming and freezes good intentions with whatever goes against the birth plan.  The more things that go wrong, the more the fear overtakes one’s soul.  Remember they had 9 months to prepare.  Did you see them making the effort?  If not, then your birth team which is committed and ready should take care of the birth.  Give the guy a break and let him play errand boy.  Don’t pay attention to his presence.  You have a baby to birth, and you need to focus and not slip into emotional frustrations about his lack of care and concern (people usually have to be taught to care).  It is those blasted expectations that cause us the most unrest, so hopefully you will have seen long before if he was ready.  Don’t blame him for not being perfect; most of us have obvious defects in body, soul and character.

Fear is something you need to not have in your birth environment.  Just ask him to leave if he feels afraid.  The hormones that birth the baby are partially controlled by your thoughts and emotions.  If you are prepared and don’t give into fear and feel in a safe place, you will be releasing the right types of chemicals, but FEAR, is what shuts down the birth process, slows and stops labor.  Adrenaline may be good for “fighting and flighting,” but it sucks for the uterus birthing.  Birth is a sexual process and when you are comfortable in your environment and not afraid, it helps to open your body to deliver the baby.

Give your guy options not just expectations so that he can provide you with the best birth experience possible.  Many men tell me that they had all these expectations on their shoulders, and that the whole birth experience was like a bad dream: that is until the baby was in their arms.  Men want to be there for the birth of their children.  They want to be at your side.  Don’t make it a hassle.

Bad Medicine?

Birth in a hospital can be an expensive proposition.  Men may see the expenses of birth and assume the more they pay the better the service.  This is not true.  The fact is that you will be spending the most time with your birth professionals.  You need to know the importance of those professionals, and not get stuck with a professional who is against your birth plans.  That is a central topic in our book.  You need to match the type of birth you want to the right facility and professionals.  Don’t expect to stroll in an have your way.  The vast majority of locations are hospitals, and they are entrenched bureaucracies that control birth through interventions, procedures and time schedules.  Hospitals are where you go after an accident or when you are sick.  Pregnant women are not sick, are they?  Long labors will always end in short surgeries, if you see what I mean.  Have you checked the track record of your professional.  If you can’t get a look at their c-section rate, then expect to have a c-section.  Put that in your birth plan.

Not researching the professionals you use in childbirth means you are not sure what their philosophy is about birth.  Medicine has taught doctors for years that birth is a “pathologic process,” that they need to be actively in control of by using interventions and surgery.  Training emphasizes the worst-case scenarios possible.  Doctor also make more money if they perform those routine interventions and a lot more with a surgery.  That’s what they are trained to do, and if you want a natural childbirth, you may find that  they  or the staff will be imposing those interventions on you whether you want them or not.

Change your professionals to those who support your mission.  You are paying them aren’t you.  Your partner should understand and support your decisions.  He should respect you for doing the research and finding the right path.  The pocketbook should not dictate how your children are born; though it does have an influence when your insurance doesn’t cover an option you desire.

The Myth

Since the mid 1970’s men have become more enlightened as to what the childbirth experience is like, but that doesn’t mean they are ready and prepared.  Don’t believe that your guy has to be at the birth.  He needs to be supportive and committed primarily.  Having a guy who wants to be a father is awesome.  In the past our fathers taught us nothing about childbirth as it was a sacred place for the sisterhood of women, but as modern society has stripped much of those relational values away, men find they are called to fill in the gap.  It doesn’t always work as well as it sounds.  Most men want the experience not because they want to support you through childbirth, but because they are expecting the first glimpse of their baby.  It is the big first moment for most dads.  Let them enjoy and savor it, as it helps to emotionally bond them to their children and you.  Just drop the expectations of superman, ready to birth a crowning baby as fast as a bullet.  If he can provide more than just experiencing birth, then it will be because you helped get him educated and prepared.

“Midwives are like life guards.” I did not say it, but I wish I did. Midwives are like life guards. There I said it. The work of the midwife and the life guard are similar. The number one need of a laboring woman is privacy and the best thing a midwife can do is to give that woman the privacy she needs in order to move through her childbirth experience, yet at the same time, be present to observe the process of birth and intervene when necessary, much like the life guard must continuously observe what is happening without actually entering the water, and engaging in the swimmers’ activities, Yet all the while be prepared to dive in, and intervene whenever it becomes necessary. The life guard’s presence adds security to an afternoon spent at beach, without being an obstacle in the beach goer’s experience.
In the last month there have been a slew of media reports of dramatic rescues carried out by life guards and rescue swimmers. The Orange County register reports that lifeguards pulled a man out of the water in critical condition after he jumped into the water off the Huntington Beach Pier. In the August issue of JEMS the journal of EMS professionals featured Gene Hall’s Case of the month, “In Over His Head” documenting the elaborate rescue efforts that went into effect after a surfer was knocked to the ocean floor by a 30 foot wave and rendered unconscious. The synchronized efforts of immediate responders, responding ems agencies and air transport that delivered the victim to Stanford Medical Center all collaborated and achieved saving the life of the surfer.

Perhaps most dramatic is the miraculous save of 12-year-old Dale Ostrander, the young boy pulled lifeless (w/o pulse and in respiratory arrest) from the pacific ocean after being under water for 20 minutes. As soon as the boy’s body reached land resuscitation efforts were started and only 30 minutes later after delivery of the boy at the hospital did his pulse return. Dale was yanked away by a rip tide on Aug 10 and presently his parents report that their son is sitting up in bed eating, walking and has spoken some words. And then there was my rescue, yes I was rescued on Aug 4 this year, though I was never in any panic mind you, and no media reports exist.

What follows is my account of my rescue that took place on August 4: It was a bright and sunny Southern CA summer afternoon, and Phillip and I headed out to the beach with 4 people and 3 bogey boards. I passed on the opportunity to have a bogey board donning on my speedo professional goggles and headed off in the surf for my own summer swimming fun. After some time swimming solo; I came along Phillip and his bogey board. I swam over and we shared the bogey board. He occupied the left end of the board and me, the right end. We shared face to face one singular bogey board. It was the perfect afternoon the water droplets sparkled and cast sun beams of many colors off my love’s face and bald head, his blue eyes matched with the hue of the sky and the ocean. We laughed, we played we were like kids enjoying the magic of the surf. We held on to the board. We did a couple of 360s and barrel rolls, but just laughed when we found ourselves upright again. And then: the big one hit! I was separated from the board and from Phillip. When the turbulence of the wave stopped, I did note that Phillip and his board were a small speck and some distance away from me. I was not alarmed…I reasoned that I would just swim my way back to him. So I took a deep breath and plunged beneath the waves to make my way toward his direction. Bash I was hit by a wave and when I surfaced, egad I was now even further away from the man in Neon orange swim trunks and the bogey board than before; I was swimming up against a wall. OK I settled this is not working, my next plan of attack forget Phillip and just swim back to the shore. This time and the next 3 or more times I took a deep breath dove beneath the waves and swam like gang busters toward the shore, only to make 10 feet of head way and then be pushed back 16 more. Never once was I panicking, mind you. It did enter my mind that if I did not make any progress sooner or later I would have to raise my hand up, as to say Yep come and get me, I’m a goner.

Out of my range of sight I happened to notice someone on what appeared to be a red surf board. Good I thought. I will swim over to him and see if he might be interested in giving me a push to shore. Next wave I dove and now swam like gang busters in the direction of my peripheral siting. The waves stopped churning and there was no red surf board. Oh well I mused back to making my way toward shore. I am in no danger. My head is above water. When all of a sudden my moment of surreal splendor was broke by Life Guard Johnny Bravo’s voice, “Excuse me, Mam, are you in need of any assistance? I pondered the question and responded well now that you mention it; I cannot get back to shore. I had not considered that this might be problematic. He said, “You are in an under tow and the tide is going out. Here he exclaimed hold on to this,” as he threw me the red rescue tube. Ahhh, it was a rescue tube not a red surf board he was riding. So he threw me the line and pulled me to safety when I could get my feet on the ground. I shouted to my rescuer that I was now good to wave him onward —  bam, I was knocked to my feet by the wave behind me. Ok, never mind, you can pull me another few feet.

When he was convinced that I was now in the safety zone, he turned around and assessed the situation. I said thanks and was about to be on my way when he asked about my friend.  He said “what about your friend, is he alright?” I looked back at the breaking waves and saw my husband with the bogey board gliding merrily and happily over the waves. I looked back at the guardian of the beach and said he does not seem to be in any distress but you may keep an eye on him if you want to.

Later when Phillip and I were reunited I asked him if he were aware that I was rescued. He said, “No,” but by his darndest he just did not understand why I would just let go of the board and go off swimming on my own like that. No, he was not worried about me – he reasoned that I was a seasoned and good swimmer.

But let’s get back to Johnny Bravo. He did his job, he assessed the situation and he left me with my self-esteem and self-confidence still in tack. I turned from our conversation on the shore and returned to my afternoon at the beach; mind you much more conscientious of venturing too far off from shore. I was not shamed, humiliated or made to feel less significant or competent. I got too far out and he brought me back into acceptable parameters, and if I had required any resuscitation efforts I am sure he would have moved as fast as flies to molasses to begin full on board compressions and resuscitation efforts.

When we have to intervene with the natural course of labor can we do so in such a way as to position the child-bearing couple into acceptable parameters with a minimal of interruption in the natural process? Can we get in, get the job done and then disappear into the background unless our knowledge or skills are called upon again?

So my mind is whirling from these saves from the surf and I have many questions for my life guard and midwifery friends.  When do we decide to intervene, How do we intervene, what level of intervention is necessary?  Do our surfers / child bearing women need a full on board resuscitative efforts with full on board CPR, or will throwing them a line and pulling them away from the gulf until they can get there feet back on the ground be all that is necessary?    Are health care providers quick to jump in and intervene with surgery when all that is necessary may be a position change, or to get the mother up and moving, or into a squat position?  Are we jumping to the full on board resuscitation efforts when all that is really necessary is to throw someone the line and bring them back into a wave pattern that is not caring them off?  When do we intervene? and at what level do we intervene.  When is it more advantageous to the childbearing couple Mother and Baby to interrupt the process as it is unfolding and when is it best to leave the laboring woman alone to figure out how to cope with the surf of labor.  Is it possible that we can get in, pull the woman to a safe zone and then back out of the picture with minimal distraction? When do we intervene?  What Level do we intervene, and how do we intervene?  Are we able to intervene in such a way that a woman may feel confident to go back into the ocean and continue in her afternoon in the surf being assured that if she deviates course that assistance will be there, and that if her course continues to unfold without danger she will be left to herself?  I think that we can learn a lot from our life guard friends.

Pregnancy is a most uncomfortable time in a woman’s life and something that men need to be highly aware of as the quality and amount of sleep have been shown to have negative consequences for sleep deprivation affects fatigue levels in labor.  Studies have shown that during the last trimester, these undesired problems with sleep “increased women’s rates of Cesarean birth threefold compared with women without sleep deprivation.”  Women have to battle decreased lung capacity,a  baby jumping up and down on her bladder, and baby thinking sleep time is their playtime.

Sleep does not only cause trouble for childbirth, it also can lay a couple low after the birth.  The “lack of sleep” monster doesn’t stop there.  Your mate’s sleep cycle and yours may not always be in sync and aligned, and these differences can make a huge difference in the morning and the evenings.  Does she have to drink a cup of coffee to get up, and you’re fully functional in the a.m.? Having children around only amplifies the troubles, if you have already noticed the difference.

Now folks have different parenting styles, and God forbid I step on some toes here, but for my wife and I the baby stayed with us in the bed, for it helped to reduce the load for sleeping mother and father.  We could do everything in the bed: diaper changing, breastfeeding, keeping warm– we lived in the Boston area for our first.  The family bed is something we were pleased with, and it fit out lifestyle: bohemian some might say.

To minimize sleep disturbances for your mate both during pregnancy and postpartum (after baby’s birth) you need to be aware of what you can do.  First tell her to rest when the baby rests.  It is important to make sure she has plenty of fluids.  It’s not a time to get constipated.  She should be drinking like a fish – of course no alcohol.  In the last stages of pregnancy, she will also visit the lady’s room more times per minute than a machine gun.

Awesome Body Pillow

Circulation is also involved in the processing of fluids.  She should be active, just no jarring exercises.  No exercise three hours before the bedtime is a good rule, as adrenaline is an unwelcome bedfellow.  The sleep position is to the left side of the body late in pregnancy so that the kidneys and the uterus can get blood flow.  Buy her a full body pillow that she can curl up with and throw a leg over – supporting her spine and making it easier to rest.

Heartburn in pregnancy is caused by diminished space and displacement of  internal organs, the wrong foods(greasy and spicy) don’t help and also by resting too early after you’ve eaten.  The rule is 1.5 to 2 hours, so no resting until that time is up..  She should not be having caffeine, of course, or high amounts of sugars; not good for the baby either.

The big one is stress.  This is something you can help handle.  Stress at work, stress at home, and why should she sleep.  Keep the stress out of the house.  She may need to talk things out and get some reassurance.  No, you don’t have a solution to all the problems – learn to listen.  Help her to know you are going to be there no matter what.

Create a routine that includes preparation for sleep.  Massage is good – use oil, and pamper her in the last trimester – though you can start this much earlier.  The lower back gets a lot of stress.  So half an hour before bed, she can have her body loved which will ease her mind and reduce her stress physically and mentally. Set the stage for sleep: try calming music, a bath, and a warm cup of tea (no caffeine – try herbal) and just for the fun of it, read the baby and mother a bedtime story – might as well be in the practice of that – all kids and Mothers love a good bedtime story.

Reference:

Beebe, J.  Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic & Neonatal Nursing.  Sept.,2009

by Phillip White, Birthnavigators.com

Women who do not involve their partners in preparation for childbirth and who don’t get them up to speed are setting their men up to be poor spouses and fathers.  Men need to be involved day one with parenting, so the pregnancy and childbirth generate an excellent test of a man’s willingness to be flexible and to take on more share responsibilities.  This experience should be considered a team effort; therefore, the decisions and the planning should be a joint effort.  No mom needs to be the Supermom.  Studies show how unhealthy that is for women.

I’ve found that many women group together and push the guy out of the picture; this is especially evident in antenatal classes.  They may not do this knowingly, but they do it in practice.  They don’t engage the guy, and he is left wanting.  Guys should be brought up to speed, and know how to handle all the daily activities of caring for a baby.  Women who don’t share these very practical responsibilities will learn that they have created a helpless man, and that can carry over into the rest of their relationship.

Woman today are, for the most part, sharing the responsibilities for earning income, so it is natural that men and women should share all the responsibilities of the house, the childcare, the parenting, and all that comes up.  Men shouldn’t be let off the hook – they need to contribute.  The more men are exposed to, with regard to family, chores and household management, the better.  These old fashioned ideas of black and white roles and responsibilities don’t work in modern society.  No one lives at the Cleavers anymore.

If women want to lessen their loads, and not have to be super moms, doing all the household chores inside the home, and all the baby care, and all the parenting, then they need to stop leaving their men uneducated about birth and fatherhood.  Women need support, and going back to the mindset that men should earn the income, take care of the car and yard, and leave everything else to the gals is stupid.

I argue that the marriage vows are a set up for disaster if men are not well rounded and know how to handle things (same for women).  “In sickness and health, for richer or poorer,” etc.  Men should be able to cook, clean, run the house, drop kids off for school, childcare, work a job, get the dry cleaning, pay the bills, change the diapers (funny), feed the baby (more fun), clean up after the baby, set and enforce the rules (parenting) – or anything a woman does.  In sickness, when the woman is down, then everything can be done.  The dishes shouldn’t stack up in the sink.  The house should be picked up, and everything be able to operate without a woman having to do it all.

Women you should be able to take the car in for service, or learning to change a tire, cut the yard, and change the filter on the furnace.  You need to be capable to take care of everything if your man is down.  Men lose their jobs, and become ill also you know, so it’s best to have an open mind regrading two incomes to support a family.  What’s the difference here?

Childbirth expectations are a big deal.  This time period sets the course for a couple’s lives together.  Teaching men nothing about baby care and breastfeeding, and the value of one’s choices in how and where they birth their babies has long term psychological implications.  I’ve heard and seen how women will completely dominate this arena, and expect virtually nothing from the guys.  The more a woman takes on and doesn’t share the weight of this load, the more she can expect him not to share the load after the baby comes.  We don’t need the mindset of the 1950’s.  If you think that you are blessing your partner by partaking in these old-fashioned role differentiations, you may be sadly mistaken.  Cultivate an on-going dialogue between yourself and your spouse with these issues and check in frequently for updates.

Why should women think that men shouldn’t be involved in their health care?  Should men be able to support and protect women’s consumer choices?  That’s one of the main reasons my wife and I wrote Men at Birth.  Our point wasn’t about just teaching men about pregnancy and childbirth, it was for developing men’s awareness of the health care services available, and the lack of options medicine is offering.  We wanted men to know they have a place for making a difference.  Some men end up as stay at home dads, and that shows the profound change society has made in the past century.

Women if you share our choices for superior care, then you should recommend our book.  It is a good way to take the right step in encouraging your man, and other men in your life to become a great partner and father.  Men will learn that they are equally responsible for planning and making choices that affect the whole family.  Don’t think for one second that taking all the responsibility on yourself that you are being smart when you are actually being chauvinistic or sexist*, and that to your own harm.

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* The word “sexism” is defined as “attitudes or behavior based on traditional stereotypes of sexual roles and discrimination or devaluation based on a person’s sex, as in restricted job opportunities; especially, such discrimination directed against women,” according to dictionary.com.

Not Tacophobia

I recently read a study done by doctoral student Malin Bergström in Sweden that revealed  11% of men were afraid of childbirth, and that there was an association of that fear with higher rates of cesarean section.  Fear of childbirth is called tocophobia.  Most men will laugh at this term and think it has something to do with disliking cheap Mexican food.  Not TACO, tooooco!

More amazing in the research study was the fact that 1 out of 3 men with tocophobia had a partner with the same condition.  When the couple has the condition, it’s like two people who both can’t swim.  Somebody is going to drown or both.  The study shows that these men also had a higher level of general anxiety during their partners’ pregnancy, and lower self-confidence about becoming good parents.  This unnatural fear does not set couples up for good outcomes.

The doctoral thesis described that although psychoprophylaxis generally has no effect on the experience of childbirth for women or men, its actual use during delivery seems to reduce the risk of emergency C-section.  Psychoprophylaxis means a type of psychotherapy that is directed to prevention of emotional disorders. It is about a breathing and focusing method that is to help a woman in the preparation for childbirth to reduce her anxiety.    A Dr. Chertok writes:  “The most widely used drugless method of obstetrical analgesiais the psychoprophylactic method (PPM) described by Velvovski (Russian founder of this method in the 1940s). The new method is based upon instructionin anatomy and physiology, and training in techniques of relaxation,breathing and active participation during labour, all in a goodemotional climate.”

“Psychoprophylaxis is still currently an incredibly popular part of parental training,” the researcher says. “However, our research has shown that it is of no benefit to the vast majority of expectant parents.” Lamaze (Dr. Lamaze visited Russia and observed the psycholprophylaxis method Dr. Velvovski had developed: see history)  is one of the most popular childbirth education programs that uses these techniques.  Unfortunately, that means that unless people are afraid of childbirth psychoprophylaxis-type methods may be less beneficial.

I think this article clearly shows how men who are afraid of childbirth really should be involved in a program that uses these techniques.  Lamaze is extremely popular in the United States.  The writer states “Through a programme of structured drills and counselling, they learn what the woman needs during labour and how the men can help. They seem to feel more prepared for the delivery process and this presumably alleviates their fear and anxiety.””

The only problem I see in knowing this is getting the guys to admit to their fears.  There is so much coercion happening between men and their partners that most guys are not going to readily admit to being fearful.  They don’t want to lose the respect of their mates, and they may cover up how they actually feel.  Seems like a paradox.

I guess the focus we need to teach women and men is not to be afraid to tell us that they are afraid.  Teaching people that childbirth is essentially a life-threatening and dangerous situation has been promoted by doctors since the 1920s.   So it is understandable that men with tocophobia may exist in today’s society, and that psychoprophylaxis-style childbirth education is ideal for them.  What do you think?

Guys who are afraid may need behavioral conditioning to alleviate their fears, but first they need to admit they have those fears, and discuss that with their partner; otherwise, they will not be stable at the childbirth.